Read Write Edit Play Repeat vol 13
Reasons Not to Write Zombie Books
Reasons Not to Write Zombie Books
I love zombie stories. I love reading them; I love writing them. I’m no slouch in my undead credentials either. I make a living writing and that includes a few zombie novels. I had a zombie story included in Best Horror of the Year volume 5 edited by Ellen Datlow. Not many people can say that. I had a zombie story included in More Recent Dead by Prime Books. It was in real book stores and everything. I took my kids to look at it. Then, we bought them other books that they actually wanted. I can weave a good zombie tale, is what I’m saying.
I’ll watch a terrible zombie movie through to the end even when I can tell it is going to be terrible within the first few minutes. I have a problem. Just because I’m beyond saving doesn’t mean you have to follow this dark path as well. If you are considering writing a zombie story of your own, let me see if I can talk some sense into you with these reasons why you shouldn’t. This is all in good fun, so enjoy, but seriously, if you are considering it, it’s a terrible idea!
It's Been Done
There are no missing zombie books. Amazon is full of them. They have books from great authors. They have books from dudes that never met an editor, cover artist, or formator in their lives and wouldn’t know what to do with them, if they did. If you can think of it, there is a solid chance somebody already wrote a zombie story about it and published it.
Of course, there’s a chance your idea really is new and unique. It could happen.
Your New Take on Zombies Isn’t As New as You Think
I’ve heard it all before. They’re zombies, but they fly. Zombies, but they talk. Zombies, but they have lasers for eyes and rockets in their butts. I’ve done a ton of ghostwriting. I can’t tell you how many books people paid me to redo “but with zombies”. Goldilocks and the Three Bears but with zombies. The Three Musketeers but with zombies. Dracula, but, wait for it … with zombies or versus zombies or in love with zombies.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d read the crap out of your Dracula verses laser eye rocket butt zombies love story. If they made it into an indie film that was clearly terrible in the first few minutes, I’d watch it to the end, but I’m the one with the problem.
There is More Money Everywhere Else
Literally, any other idea you have has more earning potential than writing a zombie story. Every other brand of horror. Even weird westerns that are considered the most niche of niche horror subgenres. Crime fiction, more money. Romance, way more money.
Now, I did quit my day job in 2013 with no better plan than writing zombie stories. And I did make a living. But I wrote other things too. But I kept writing zombie stuff. And other authors make a living with zombie stories as well. So, there is money in it. But it’s still a terrible idea.
There Are Cooler Monsters Probably
Werewolves and vampires can do all kinds of stuff zombies can’t do. Even if you make your zombies smart or sexy (weirdos), they are still bags of decaying grossness. Dragons are cooler. Werebears are cooler. Ghosts are cooler. Magic fairies running magic schools for emo children are so much cooler. Unimaginable cosmic horrors are way cooler.
But zombies can still be pretty cool, right? The slow moving terror. Or the fast terror of rocket butt zombies. The fight for survival. The reflection of our society and our own fears. The escape from impossible numbers. All still very cool to me, I guess. Moving on.
Run Fight Hide Run Fight Hide Die Repeat
There are certain patterns in zombie stories that are hard to escape as a writer. Any zombie infestation forces characters into survival mode. The run, fight, hide, run pattern plays out in some fashion depending on the type of story you are telling. Is it a road trip story? Is it a siege? Are they being held by a Big Bad? Are they going to rescue someone or find somewhere safe? Will they be in a mall eventually as all characters in zombie stories should be at some point? How do you make it new?
But you could be just as creative as anyone. Who am I to tell you that you can’t conquer this pattern to create the greatest zombie book ever written? One of them has to be the best. Why not yours?
Fast? Slow? Character Driven? Action Packed? … You Can’t Win!
Somebody is going to hate it. Whether your zombies are fast or slow, someone will have a problem with it. If you follow the strict rules of a traditional Romero universe or get creative with the biology of your zombies, someone still won’t like it. If you do good character work, they’ll call it a soap opera with zombies. If you stick to action, they’ll say there’s no depth. No matter how you end it, someone will want a different ending. And that’s if you can convince anyone to read it at all. Of course, this is probably true of anything you try. Forget those people. They’ll never be happy.
Everyone Wants to Tell You Their Zombie Plan
I’ve seen this a lot less recently, but especially around the years of the early seasons of The Walking Dead series, suddenly everyone had a zombie plan. They all knew a place they would go. They all had a checklist they would do as soon as the first signs of the undead hit the news. None of their plans were good. The early days of the pandemic showed me most of those folks couldn’t handle a toilet paper shortage even with Netflix and Amazon delivery still running strong, much less navigate a world full of shambling corpses. Casual zombie fans will want to talk zombies with you the moment they hear you wrote a zombie book.
I kind of like that though. I’ve been nerding out on zombies since the day I discovered the Romero films. I’ve been thinking out survival plans for years before I was writing professionally. I’ll waste some time listening to your plans to stock up on toilet paper and conquer the local water tower near your house to start your post-apocalyptic kingdom.
It’s Hard to Quit
Like any addiction, zombies will sink their teeth in and not let go. The infection will spread through your soul. After you write one zombie story, you’ll want to write another. Even when it becomes clear you’re not going to earn the millions of dollars, movies deals, and video game adaptations your zombie opus truly deserves, you’ll still feel compelled at some point to write more zombie tales.
But if you love it, why not? If you find the thing you love doing, the thing that won’t let go of your soul, do it until it sees you buried and resurrects you to shamble across the world some more. Life is short even for zombies. Engage the things that bring you joy.
Here are some things you might be interested in:
The Rising: Selected Scenes from the End of the World #BrianKeeneRevisited
by Jay Wilburn
I love short stories. I strongly feel that short fiction shows the real talent of a writer and allows that writer to explore and expand that talent further afield in more experimental storytelling …
“Hole in the Basement of the Universe”
by Jay Wilburn
Jimmy Fletcher’s weekend with his kids was always stressful … So, his eight-year-old saying the weird shit he said that stressful Saturday threw Jimmy for a loop …
These are some of the best of the short stories I wrote live on Twitch. Check it out.
Thanks, Everybody
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You don't have to worry about me ever writing a zombie book or any book for that matter. I'm a reader, I'll leave the writing to you and all my other author friends.