My Latest Brush with Death
On Wednesday, January 12th, I had a heart attack. I’d gone into the ER on New Year’s Eve for intense chest pains. Prior to that I had minor pain while exercising that I wrote off as indigestion. They found nothing wrong but scheduled me for a nuclear stress test on the 12th. I have a lot wrong with me already, so I figured it might be gastro intestinal. I had some intense pain again between the New Year and the 12th, but I’d already been to the ER, they’d already found nothing, and the stress test was the next step, so I endured.
The day of the test my pain grew as I walked on the treadmill. I could see the EKG and there was zero change even as I felt my heart missing beats. I had the final blood flow scan and then they walked me back to the waiting room. I felt like they got me up too fast and the world darkened. I woke up in a wheelchair in the ER where I sat for 12 hours because the ER was overwhelmed by Covid cases. My wife went home that evening to check on the kids. I started getting confused. Had a mood swing. Yelled out, “Hey, my fucking chest hurts and I’m having trouble breathing.” They took me to the back and found signs in my bloodwork of a heart attack. I sat in another chair back there on a blood thinner drip until my heart cath in the morning.
The cath found my LAD (lower anterior descending artery) was 100% blocked. They repaired it with two stints. It’s called the widowmaker or the silent killer because it hides. I could have dropped dead at any moment. Instead, I had a heart attack on Wednesday, a heart cath on Thursday, and went home on Friday. Now, I’m typing this in a surreal state of unreality. How the hell am I still alive?
I’ve had several brushes with death through my life. When I was in kidney failure prior to transplant, it was like dying in slow motion. I have cognitive and memory issues that appear to be progressive. Testing is pending. That is like being slowly erased. This past week moved fast, too fast to process or really reflect. I have 12 weeks of cardiac rehab coming up. I feel beat up and bruised. But if my memory were erased right now, I’d have no idea I had a heart attack. I’ve reached the point that when death visits, I’m like, “You again?”
There is measurable damage to my heart, but the doctors are confident it can be repaired in time. I’ve added a few more meds to the pile I’m already taking. I’m building back what was broken as per instructions. I’m resting. No big deal.
Death reached for me again. But you missed me, motherfucker. You failed again. You’ll get me one day, but today was not your day. Tomorrow probably won’t be either. I don’t belong to you yet, so go back into your dark hole and wait your fucking turn.
There are countless universes where one or two things changed, and the version of me in those worlds did not live past Wednesday. There are many more worlds than this where I ceased. It’s the sort of thing that has me seeing divine interference in every detail whether it’s all coincidence or not. It’s the sort of thing that leaves me dumbstruck at my own unlikely persistence.
I woke up alive to today. So did you, if you’re reading this. Feels like we should do something with that. I’m glad to be sharing air with you today. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m not dead and dreaming. That seems so much more likely than reality.
Here are some things you might be interested in:
Stephen King’s 10 Most Underrated Novels from a Guy Who’s Read Them All
by Jay Wilburn via LitReactor
I have opinions about his best novels. If I listed what I thought were his worst novels, they would still be books I liked, but none of them would be on this list. This list is for his most underrated. There might be some overlap with his best novels, but this is a different list …
Unspoken Prayer Request
by Jay Wilburn
I was getting frustrated with the witness which never helped in situations like this. Witnesses were already unreliable under the best of circumstances, and these were not great circumstances …
You can find this crazy, human-skin-filled-with-rats novella on godless.com for just 70 cents!
Thanks, Everybody
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